The families have met and you have each other's number. What to talk about in the first phone call or meeting, what to save for later, and how to tell whether to continue.
The families have met, the photographs have been approved and someone has passed on a phone number. Now the two of you are supposed to talk, perhaps for the first time, perhaps with an aunt hovering in the next room. It is normal to feel awkward. A little preparation helps a great deal.
Before the call
- Re-read their profile. Note two or three things you are curious about.
- Agree a time that suits both time zones, if one of you is abroad.
- Find somewhere quiet where you can speak freely.
- Say a short prayer. It calms the nerves.
Good topics for the first conversation
- Their work: not the salary, but what a typical day is like and what they enjoy about it.
- Family: siblings, who they are closest to, what home is like.
- Their parish and faith: what their Sundays look like, whether they are involved in any ministry.
- Where they see themselves living: Kerala, another city, abroad.
- Interests: what they do when they are not working.
Save for later
Dowry, finances, detailed health history and how many children you want are important, but they belong in the second, third or fourth conversation, once there is some trust. Our list of 25 questions to ask before marriage is for that stage.
Listen for
- Do they ask about you, or only talk about themselves?
- Are they respectful about their own family, and about yours?
- Do they answer honestly, even when the answer is not impressive?
- Do you feel at ease by the end, even a little?
Warning signs
Pressure to decide quickly, requests for money, refusal to involve families, or reluctance to meet in person or on video should all make you pause. Our guide to staying safe while searching online covers this in detail.
After the call
You do not need to decide anything after one conversation. If it went reasonably well, agree to talk again. If you are sure it is not right, say so kindly and promptly. A clear "no" is more respectful than silence.